My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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