how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
