I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
