We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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