I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
