i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
