I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
