My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
