the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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