How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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