I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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