I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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