So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
