i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
