Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
