even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
