the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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