Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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