I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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