My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
