The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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