God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
