you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
