last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
