I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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