god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
