Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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