Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
