My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
