Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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