im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
