Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
