an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
