Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
