woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
