I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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