I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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