Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
