sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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