mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
