1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
