just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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