I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
