You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
