we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
