She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
