How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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