my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
