Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
