She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
